


To The Moon (Destiel AU)

by Deancasimpala_67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Fluff, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Self Harm, Supernatural - Freeform, Supernatural AU - Freeform, destiel au, possible trigger warning, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-10 17:07:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 13,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3297911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deancasimpala_67/pseuds/Deancasimpala_67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sixteen-year-old Castiel Novak's life has never been anything but horrible. His father is abusive and his mother died of leukemia when he was five. On top of his terrifying home life, he is bullied at school due to circling rumors of Cas being gay. Living doesn't seem right for the depressive and suicidal teenager, and he soon plans his demise. </p><p>That is, up until he meets Dean Winchester, an equally depressive seventeen-year-old who turns Cas's life around. Dean shows Castiel a new life, a reason to keep on fighting the fight, and the two soon realize just how much they need each other. </p><p>This AU fanfic is all about how much Dean and Cas care for each other and just how far they'll go to stay together. </p><p>Possible trigger warning!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I have a Wattpad (@DeanCasImpala) and that is where I started writing fanfiction. I would like for this story to be available to more than just the people on Wattpad, so this is the exact same story, just on here. They will be updated simultaneously.

The sky was gray and sad. The large rain clouds dripped, mourning.

Ironic.

They weren't the only things crying. Castiel watched as his father placed a single white rose on a casket, a single tear running down his face. He watched as the men buried his mother. He watched as his two older brothers, Michael and Gabriel, wept with his father. Cas didn't know what was happening. He was five years old. He only understood what was told to him.

"Mommy went away, Castiel," Michael, who was the oldest at 13, said, his voice small and broken, "for good. She isn't coming back. But we'll see her one day, up in heaven." Cas didn't know what exactly heaven was. It sounded glorious from what Mike told him.

"Why can't we visit heaven?" Castiel asked innocently. Michael closed his eyes and quietly whispered "the only way to visit mom in heaven is to leave us here on earth."


	2. His first day

The first day of his junior year. Yay. (Sarcasm.)

"Gabe, have you seen my backpack?" Castiel Novak yelled into the other room. He had already pulled on his black jeans and he sat on his bed, shirtless, putting on socks. His phone was blasting Nirvana so loudly he almost didn't hear Gabriel's answer.

"Yes, it's downstairs in the living room. And can you turn that down? Christ," he shouted back.

Cas turned it up louder.

He walked over to his dresser, pulled out a gray t-shirt, and threw it on. He walked back to his bed to grab his phone. As he exited his room, he passed his desk which was covered in drawing supplies, notebooks, and one picture frame. Instinctively, he picked up the frame. It was a picture of a family of five- three boys, a mom and a dad. They were smiling. Castiel was 3 when it was taken, cheeks all chubby and black hair sticking up in different directions. Gabriel was 8, a cute little kid with overalls on. Michael was 11 and was holding Cas's little hand. His mother and father sat on a park bench, hand in hand, with his mom's head resting on his dad's shoulder. The three boys stood on either side of them.

This was taken at the zoo. It was the Novak's last vacation as a whole family before their mom was diagnosed with leukemia.

Cas set the picture down on his desk in the same place it was before he had picked it up. He turned off his music and walked downstairs toward the living room.

Cas walked into the living room and was immediately overcome by the smell of alcohol. His dad sat in the recliner, asleep, with four empty beer bottles on the floor. Cas sighed, picked them up, and threw them in the trash. He grabbed his book bag off the floor and slung it over his shoulder.

He stepped into his dingy Vans which were, you guessed it, black. He also threw on a black jacket even though it was close to 100 degrees outside. The jacket hid his arms, his scars, his pain.

The black wasn't because he was "punk" or "emo". (He was depressed, suicidal, and had social anxiety.) It was because he felt safe in black clothes, like he blended in. Not necessarily that he belonged, but that he didn't draw attention to himself. He liked being the last kid to get picked for things, he liked sitting in the back of the bus, he liked being the last kid out of class.

He often thought that the one thing he'd be first in was the first to die.

Suicide seemed like his best option. No one would care or even notice if he was gone. His dad was drunk all the time and often forgot Castiel's name. His brothers loved him, but he was an outrageous burden. Maybe some people wanted him dead. All the kids at school would. Zeke and Crowley would throw a party. Cas thought about this while he walked to school. When he arrived, he went to his first class, Government and Economics. He went straight to the back of the classroom, which had tables that sit 2 people. Great, Cas thought, I have to sit with some idiot all freakin' year. He chunked his book bag to the ground and sat in the chair closest to the wall. Luckily, once everyone filed into the classroom, they all avoided his table. The short, gray-haired teacher walked up to the front of the classroom once the bell rang.

"Hello class. I'm Mr. Marve and I'm your government teacher," he began, sounding less than excited to be there. "First thing you need to know about me-" he was cut off by the door opening. In walked a boy who Cas had never seen before wearing a leather jacket, blue jeans, and a plaid shirt.

"This government?" he asked. Mr. Marve stood in shock.

"-is that I won't tolerate lateness to my class," he finished. The boy looked at the teacher, perplexed, and said, "so... government?" The class giggled. Marve- Cas decided Mr. was too formal a title for the strange little teacher- nodded his head slowly, his mouth agape.

The boy nodded approvingly and scanned his eyes over the class. His eyes landed on Cas and stopped there. They stared at each other. Cas bit the inside of his cheek, willing himself to look away but finding it was impossible to do so. The boy looked away first, favoring the ground over Cas's blue eyes. He walked to the back of the room straight to Cas's table and sat down next to him.

Cas stiffened. What if this kid tried to make conversation? Cas wasn't good with speaking to anyone but his brothers. He tried to relax but couldn't, so he grabbed his notebook and began to doodle nothing in particular. Drawing always kept him sane.

Marve went on with his speech about the class rules. The only thing he heard him say was that these are now permanent seats. Cas's stomach tightened when he heard that. He hoped that this sarcastic kid would keep his big mouth shut while h-

"That's a nice drawing you got there," the boy whispered. Cas jumped. He looked at the kid and his smiling, green eyes. "The name's Dean Winchester." Cas looked at Dean and nodded.

"Castiel Novak," Cas whispered back. He looked back down at his notebook and continued drawing.

***

When the bell rang, Cas took extra time to pack up his things, hoping that Dean would leave well before he did. He was wrong. "So, Castiel, you new here?" Dean asked.

"Uh, no. I've been here my whole high school career," Cas said sarcastically. This kid was getting on his nerves. Who did he think he was? Cas was perfectly fine being alone. He didn't need anyone. He grabbed his book bag and left the room.

Dean stood back and watched Castiel leave. He went to pack up his own things and realized that Castiel had left his notebook in his haste to leave. He picked it up and walked out of the classroom, hoping to catch Castiel before he was too far gone. As he turned the corner, he ran into someone and knocked him over with an "oomph". It was Cas.

"Oh, crap. I'm sorry," he began. He grabbed Cas's elbow and hauled him back onto his feet. "I just found this back in class and I was gonna bring it to you, I really am sorry," Dean was rambling now. He was embarrassed.

"No, it's fine, Dean. I'm good." Cas looked down at his elbow where Dean was still holding him. Dean's eyes widened and he let go.

"Here's your notebook," Dean mumbled. He was stupid. You can't just come to a brand new school and try to hit on the nearest guy. He didn't even know if anyone else here was like him. Stupid. So stupid. He fast-walked to his next class.

Castiel blushed; he had drawn attention to himself. He clutched the notebook to his chest and walked to his locker. When he arrived, he opened his locker and put his notebook safely inside.

Then before he even knew what happened, he was slammed against his locker. And then he was on the floor. "Hey, faggot. I thought you'd already killed yourself? I was looking forward to this year. It's a shame," Crowley looked down at Cas, Zeke by his side. They walked away, laughing and high-fiving. Cas's eyes watered. What did he do to deserve this?

"Hey! What the hell, kid?" a familiar voice shouted. Crowley turned around, "Excuse me? Who do you think you are?"

Dean walked up and got in Crowley's face. "I think I'm Dean Winchester and I think you're a jerk," Dean said matter-of-factly. Crowley pushed Dean away from him. Cas sat against his locker and watched, helpless. Blood dripped from his nose and mouth. Dean retaliated and punched Crowley squarely in the mouth. Crowley began shouting profane things at Dean and Cas when Marve came out of his classroom and shouted "ENOUGH! What's this all about?"

Dean answered, "Crowley shoved Cas against a locker for no reason so I gave him a taste of his own medicine." Crowley wiped at his mouth, now red with blood.

"Is this true, Castiel?" He nodded. "All three of you, go to the office right now."

And they did, Cas limped, Dean helped Cas walk, and Crowley held a tissue to his nose.


	3. What's your story?

Dean, Cas, and Crowley sat outside the principal's office, beaten and bloody. Castiel's head throbbed and his mouth and nose continued to bleed. It felt like there were bees inside his head stinging everything. The principal walked out of his office and said, "Crowley, you're up first." The boy stood and walked into the office, his head hung low.

Dean and Cas sat alone outside the office. "Are you sure you don't want to go to the nurse, Cas?" He tried to shake his head 'no' but the pain was too great. "No, I'm... fine," he said.

"No, you're not. C'mon, we're going to the nurse." Cas protested. "The principal will be pissed that were not sitting here."

"Screw the principal, Cas. Here. Let me help you up." Dean grabbed Cas under his armpits and hoisted him up. Cas winced and walked alongside Dean. The agonizingly slow walk to the nurse's office made Cas's head pound even more. When they finally arrived, the nurse looked concerned.

The nurse administered a quick but thorough examination. "Hmm. I don't think your nose is broken, but your lip is busted up pretty badly. Might need stitches. Meanwhile, keep a towel on it and I'll give you some ice too. You have a mild concussion from where your head slammed into the locker so try not to do any trying physical activities. Keep yourself on the down-low for the next couple days," she said. That shouldn't be hard, Cas was the master of not bringing attention to himself. "Okay. I can do that." By now he could stand and walk on his own, the buzzing in his head began to subside. The two walked back to the principal's office. When they arrived, Crowley was still in the office.

"So, Cas," Dean began, "does this kind of crap happen to you often?" Cas closed his eyes. He didn't really feel like talking to Dean about his problems. But he figured he had nothing better to do, and he was probably beginning to sound like a jerk. "Well, I guess it does. Usually it doesn't end in the principal's office, though. Crowley almost never gets caught." Dean nodded, a somber, sad look on his face. There was a few seconds of silence before Dean found his voice again.

"When I was four years old, my mom died in a freak house fire. My kid brother was a baby then and my family was whole and my dad was sober and life was good. But when she died, my dad and me, we had to support ourselves and little Sammy. It was hard. We barely scraped by. It weighed on my dad. He started drinking and he used to hit me..." he paused. Cas stayed silent. "And I used to let him. Jesus, he beat me from the time I was eight years old. Then when I was about fourteen, he threatened to hit Sammy. And I nearly killed the man. He could beat me as much as he wanted, but I wouldn't let him hit Sammy. He's still a drunk and he's still living in that same old trailer park. I bailed and took Sammy with me when I was 15. Now we're here, two years later, living out of cheap motels and stealing food from restaurants. But it's better than it could be, I guess." Dean stopped talking for good and the two sat in silence until Crowley walked out of the principal's office. "Castiel Novak, you're up next."

***

When the two of them finished in the office, it was lunch time. Cas was generally pissed off, due to the fact that he'd missed all of his morning classes and he had detention for two days. Cas and Dean went separate direction. Cas walked to the lunch room and bought his food. It was 'tacos' for lunch. Great. He walked to the far corner and sat at the same table he'd sat alone at for his freshman and sophomore years. As he began to eat, he saw Dean walk into the cafeteria. When he got his food, he looked around the lunchroom until he spotted Castiel. He smiled and walked to his table. Cas smiled back.

"Hey Cas," Dean said.

"Hey," Cas answered back.

"I believe you owe me a life story," Dean said as he sat down. Cas nodded.

"Alright, here it goes."


	4. My story is...

Dean was staring at Cas with his chin resting in his hand. He wasn't touching his taco.

"Well, I have two older brothers, Gabriel who's 21 and Michael who's 24. My dad's a drunk bum and my mom's dead." He said that last part quietly and instead of at Dean's eyes, he looked at his lap. "Anyway, my family was actually pretty cookie-cutter when I was younger. We went to see movies, went out to eat and on roadtrips," Cas said, thinking about the picture in his room. "Then when I was four years old, my mom was diagnosed with leukemia. She died a half a year later. My dad was pretty torn up about it. He started drinking religiously less than a week after the funeral.

"And a couple years after that, he started to abuse us. He hit Michael first, when he was 15, but Michael was on the football team. He was strong enough to fight back. He went after Gabe, but he was smart enough to elude dad. So he hit me. I was 7. I wasn't strong. I wasn't smart. I wasn't... anything. So he hit me. I'm 16 now and he still beats me. For nine years he's been hitting me, Dean." Cas quieted. He wondered if he should tell Dean the whole story. But what would Dean think if he knew he was queer? What would Dean say if he knew that half of the reason his dad hated him so much was because he liked boys? Dean seemed to be Cas's friend. He couldn't jeopardize that.

He continued carefully, "Now that Michael has gone away for college, it's just Gabe and me. We get by. Gabe has a job, so he pretty much provides for the family. It sucks, but that's life, I guess. I don't expect it to get any better anytime soon."

Dean's heart skipped a little. He sort of wished that Cas would think that Dean made his life better. But then again, they'd only just met that day and Dean was being overly optimistic. So he kept quiet.

The two were quiet the rest of lunch period.


	5. Need a ride?

When Cas finally got home from school, his dad was sitting in the same recliner, awake, with 6 beer bottles on the ground next to him. He was watching wrestling with a placid, glazed look on his face. Cas knew how to get past his dad without drawing attention to himself. He walked around the recliner silently. He thought he was home free when he heard glass shatter.

He jumped and turned to look at his dad. He noticed his shaggy, dark-brown hair was greasy enough to be flammable. He was in the same clothes he'd been in for the past two days. Cas looked down at the pile of beer bottles on the ground. Two were shattered now.

"What happened to your face, boy?" Cas reached up and lightly touched his cheekbone where he had slammed into the locker.

"Fight at school," Cas muttered. His dad stood up out of his chair so fast that he nearly fell over.

"What did you say?!" he shouted, "you know I hate it when you mumble!" His words slurred together and he swayed when he yelled. Cas felt his face turn red in anger. "I was in a fight. At school," he said with strong, loud words.

Most dads would be angry. They would probably ground their sons. They would make sure they weren't too hurt. But his dad leaned over and grabbed another empty beer bottle before Castiel could flinch. He threw it at Cas's head. Cas ducked and it crashed against the wall. He bolted upstairs and into his room, slamming the door and locking it. Even with the door shut, his dad could be heard shouting curse words. He knew that his dad wouldn't make it up the stairs and into his room, but he double checked that the doors were locked anyway. He walked over to his bed and sat down. His breathing was labored due to the adrenaline rush, so ran his hands through his hair to try to calm himself down. Even though this happened almost every day, it still shook him up. He walked over to his window and opened it up. It was screenless and he stepped out of it onto the roof.

Sometimes when he was lucky, Cas would get to see the sun set. It looked like he was going to be lucky today. He sat down and watched the edge of the woods behind his house. He waited and watched as the sun went down.

***

Cas woke up early the next morning, so he took extra time to get dressed. When he went downstairs for breakfast, he passed through the living room. The bottles weren't on the ground anymore, so Gabe must have picked them up. His dad wasn't in the chair either, so Cas figured he was asleep in his room. He grabbed a bowl and the cereal and milk and made breakfast. When he was done eating, he was still ten minutes early, so he walked to school slowly.

When he arrived, Dean was sitting on the hood of a black Impala. He looked at Cas and waved. Cas smiled and walked over to him. "Hey, I didn't know you walked to school," Dean said. "I do. I don't have a license, and Gabe has work early in the morning, so he's never home when I leave," Cas said, surprised by how easily conversation came to him.

"Well, I mean, I could drive you. Since I have the Impala," Dean said sheepishly. "Oh, you don't have to do that, Dean. I can walk. It's only a few miles." Dean insisted, "it's really not a big deal. Where do you live?"

Cas went over in his head what could happen if he gave Dean his address. If he gave it to him, he would have a ride when it was unbearably hot or cold and he would get to know Dean better. But where Cas lived, his dad lived also. And what would his dad say about him when he knew he was hanging out with Dean? He decided it was worth the risk. "415 Kings Road."

Dean smiled and Cas's stomach flipped a little. He was gorgeous. "Okay. I'll be there at 7:20 tomorrow morning."

"Alright. But don't ring the doorbell. Ever. My dad will hear," Cas said. The bell rang and they went to class.


	6. I'll see you tomorrow at 7:20.

Dean took two wrong turns on the way to Castiel's house. He was still learning his way around town. When he finally arrived (five minutes late) Cas was sitting outside on the porch with a guy who looked to be about four or five years older than Cas. He assumed that was Gabe. Cas stood and walked to the car, opened the door, and got in.

"Hey, sorry I'm late. I got lost," Dean said. Cas shrugged, "not a problem." Cas waved goodbye to Gabriel and then, without anything to do, looked around Dean's car nervously. It smelled faintly of smoke and strongly of Dean's cologne. "Uh, you wanna listen to music or something?" Dean asked. Before Cas could answer, Dean turned on a classic rock station. Eye of The Tiger was playing. Cas didn't really like classic rock, but he wasn't about to complain.

When they arrived at school, they went their separate ways and then headed to Marve's class.

After class, Castiel passed Crowley. He didn't make eye contact.

***

"If you want, I can drive you home, too," Dean offered. "Sure, if it's not a problem. I don't want to inconvenience you," Cas said.

"You're not 'inconveniencing' me at all. It's my pleasure," Dean said. Cas couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or if he actually meant it.

They got in the Impala and drove to Cas's house. "Hey, thanks for the ride. That was cool of you to offer it. So, is this, like, a regular thing?" Cas asked.

Dean shrugged. Cas noticed that when he shrugged, the corners of his mouth bent down in a sort of frown. "Sure, if you want it to be. Like I said, you're not an inconvenience." Cas smiled a bit. "Okay then. It's regular. I'll see you tomorrow at 7:20." Cas got out of the car and watched as Dean left. He then snuck into the house and up to his room without his dad freaking. When he locked the door to his room, he looked out his window.

He wouldn't be lucky enough to see the sun set tonight.


	7. The beach

For nearly three weeks, nothing changed. Cas rode to and from school with Dean. Dean continued playing classic rock. Cas's dad never found out that Cas was catching a ride. The kids at school left them both alone for the most part.

But Friday September 5th, something changed. "Cas?" "Yeah?" "You don't have to go straight home after school, do you?"

Cas furrowed his brow. "Uh, I guess not. I don't have anything to do. Why?" Dean smirked. "You'll see."

***

Dean drove Castiel 40 minutes away from the school to the beach. Cas laughed when they arrived. "Dean, you know I've been to the beach before, right?" Dean rolled his eyes, "Yeah, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who knows about this little gem," Dean said, gesturing to a pile of rocks about ten feet high perpendicular to the shore.

"Dean. They're rocks." Dean hopped out of the car and grabbed a cooler from the trunk. He then walked over to the rock pile. To Cas's surprise, Dean started climbing it. "What are you doing?" Cas called after him. "C'mon. I'll show you," Dean said before disappearing over the wall. Cas sighed and shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. Why was he even cooperating with Dean? What was the point? He reached the edge of the wall and began to climb it. He wasn't very athletically inclined and slipped a few times, but he made it up. When he reached the top and looked down, he was amazed.

There was another rock wall about the same size on the other side with about 20 feet between them. They came together to form a triangle with the ocean's edge. The rock walls sheltered the opening from passing boats, so that you would only find it if you were really looking for it. It just looked like a pile of loose rocks.

There was a makeshift fire pit in the middle with a few logs around it. Dean was sitting on a log with his face to the ocean starting a fire. "Woah. What is this place?" Cas said. Dean smiled and Cas's heart skipped. "Do you like it? Like I said, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows about it." Cas was dumbfounded. This was amazing.

And Dean was sharing it with him.

"No, yeah, I love it." Dean opened the cooler and grabbed two beers, then tossed one to Cas. "So, I suppose you're wondering why I brought you here." Cas laughed, "Yeah, it might have crossed my mind."

"Well, I wanted to know more about you," Dean said.

"I could say the same for you, Dean," Cas said, taking a swig of his beer. "I mean, how often do you bring some lame kid from your government class to a secret hideout on the beach?" Dean chuckled. "This is every Friday night for me." The two laughed and Cas warmed his hands by the fire. "But seriously Cas. I want to get to know you. Let's start of with some easy questions. What's your favorite color?"

Cas stroked his chin and pretended to ponder this. "Black." Dean rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine. Green. You?" "Hm. Probably red." Cas finished his beer and grabbed another. "Favorite song?" "Did you really think I can pick a favorite song?" "Fine, favorite... movie."

***

The sun was beginning to set. Cas and Dean had moved on to deeper conversation as the evening progressed. "Like I said, my dad beat me since I was real young. He did it for like, I don't know, anger management or some crap." Both the boys had about half a dozen beers in them. "I guess he didn't do it to punish me specifically until he found out I'm gay," Dean said. He hadn't meant to say it; he was afraid of what Cas would think. "I-I'm sorry man, I didn't mean to-" "Dean, it's okay. I don't mind," Cas said. He worked up the courage to say, "it's okay because I'm gay too." He felt the blood rush to his cheeks and his heart began to pound.

The two didn't even realize there had been tension until it was gone. And at that moment, all the tension was obliterated.

***

The boys were both drunk at around 11:30. Cas laid down next to the fire and Dean sat up against the cooler next to Cas. "Why don't we just stay here forever?" Cas said, his words a bit slurred, his eyelids drooping. "Why don't we just lie here, together, forever?" Dean dragged his finger through the sand. "I don't know," he said. Dean pulled Cas into his lap and Cas laid his head on Dean's chest. "Goodnight," Dean said. Cas was already asleep.


	8. Are you asking me on a date?

Cas woke up facing Dean, laying next to him with his head resting on Dean's bicep. Dean was already awake, but he hadn't been for long. "Good morning, sleepyhead," Dean said. Cas smiled. "Good morning. How are you?" Dean propped himself up on his elbow. "I'm good. Thanks for coming here with me last night." Cas smiled and sat up. He didn't need to use words for Dean to understand how happy this made them both.

As Dean picked up the beer cans, Cas heard the waves beat against the sand on the beach and wondered how something could crash to the ground so many times and still be so beautiful.

***

On the drive back to Cas's house, Dean held his hand. Cas's arm felt like it was made of electricity. His heart beat like a hummingbird's wings.

When they arrived, Dean hugged Cas goodbye. "Hey, let's do that again sometime." Cas smiled, "Dean Winchester, are you asking me out on a date?" Dean's goofy grin made his eyes crinkle up. "Is that a yes?" Cas nodded. "Definitely."

When Cas walked inside, he found Gabe in the living room. When he noticed him, Gabe shot up off the couch and grabbed Castiel's shoulder. "Where the hell were you?" he hissed. "I was worried sick! You're lucky dad has been asleep for the last 24 hours-" Gabe stopped talking abruptly.

"Wait. Were you with Dean?" He said Dean's name like it was poison. Like just by saying it, Gabriel would be cursed. Cas clenched and unclenched his fist. "I was staying at a motel. I wanted to be alone," lying came so easily to Cas nowadays.

"Tell me the truth Castiel. Were you with Dean?" Cas stayed silent. "Do you know what kind of risk that entails! If dad found out, he'd kill you." A look of horror crossed Gabe's face. "You didn't have-"

Cas jerked out of Gabriel's grip. "No! Jesus, Gabe, it's my life! You sound like Dad! Always trying to dictate what I can and can't do!" Cas shoved Gabe out of the way and walked up the stairs to his room. Tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. "Cas, wait. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just trying to protect you."

Cas kept walking.

***

When Dean arrived back at his room in the Holiday Inn he and Sammy were staying at, Sam was taking a shower. "I'm home Sammy," Dean shouted. "Okay," came the reply.

Dean changed his clothes, then sat on his bed and waited for Sam to finish showering. When he was done, Sam emerged from the shower and got dressed in one of Dean's old Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirts and a pair of jeans. "So, where were you last night?" Sam inquired.

"Cas and I went down to the beach. We decided to spend the night there." Sam nodded.

"Okay. Cool." They sat in silence for a minute or two before Sam spoke again. "You know, you can tell me anything. Like if you and Cas are a thing. I know you're queer Dean, and it's okay," Sam said. Dean closed his eyes, "We're not a 'thing' Sam. We just hung out." Sam held his hands up in mock defense. "Okay I'm just saying."

Dean grabbed the remote control and tuned on the tv. Sam bit the inside of his cheek. "Dean?" he said quietly. "Are we good? I didn't mean to be so forward..." Dean got in bed and covered himself up. "Yeah. We're fine."

"Good," Sam said. Dean pretended to sleep.


	9. They were in love

Monday, September 8th

Once back at school, Dean couldn't stop thinking about Cas. He was in constant motion and even though the days went by slowly, they went in a blur.

He continually looked forward to Marve's class. It was the only one where he had class with Castiel. Dean would steal glances at Cas and play with his hands under their table. During lunch, they would sit together and talk about how awful school was. "It's not even that I hate learning, because, don't get me wrong, I love knowledge, it's just that I hate the school system." Dean nodded, "Right! Took the words right outta my mouth."

Dean would drive Cas home every afternoon, holding his hand and hugging him goodbye. Dean never told Cas, but he bought a Nirvana CD and memorized the lyrics, repeating the songs over and over. He would sing them to himself whenever he missed Cas.

Cas never told Dean, but he was actually beginning to like the classic rock he played day in and day out.

Even if they didn't realize it, they saw each other in everything they did. Dean would go to the store and see a blue-eyed, dark-haired boy and his mind would be clouded over with Cas. Cas would pass by a record store and his stomach would ache for more of Dean.

Even if they didn't realize it, they were in love.


	10. First date

Sunday, September 21

Dean felt like his heart was going to jump right out of his chest. Not that it didn't feel like that any and every time Dean talked to Cas. He worked up the confidence to pick up his phone and dial Cas's number.   
~  
Dean called around noon about their first dinner date. Their first real date. Cas could hardly contain himself. His stomach twisted itself in knots, his hands got clammy, and every time he tried to act like everything was normal, he found himself smiling like a complete fool.

He had hours to wait before Dean would arrive at his house to pick him up. The first thing he did was shower. His mind was so cluttered with Dean that he washed his body with shampoo on accident. When he got out of the shower, he saw that it was only 1:00 pm.   
~  
Dean had absolutely nothing to do while he waited for Cas. Sam offered to play cards, and Dean accepted, looking for any way to keep his mind off of what would happen that night. But when he lost the fourth game in a row, he couldn't take it anymore. He checked the clock. 2:00.   
~  
Cas sat in his room and tried to kill time by drawing. When that got boring, he decided to figure out what he was going to wear. Since it was their first formal date, Cas figured he should get prettied up, so he put on a white button up with a blue tie and black slacks his aunt bought for him a year ago. He fixed his hair and put on some dress shoes he had never worn. He still had two hours to kill before 5:00, when Dean was supposed to show up. He decided to draw some more.   
~  
Dean had Sam help him chose what to wear. They settled on a light blue button up shirt, a dark blue tie and black dress pants. It was only 4:00 when Dean was ready to pick Cas up, but he couldn't handle it anymore. He texted Cas, "Hey, is it okay if I come over early? I'm dying to see you."   
~  
Cas's phone buzzed and he nearly face planted tripping over the pile of dirty clothes trying to get to it. When he read it, his body was filled with life. It was like Dean fully recharged him; he was the only being who could do that to him. Cas texted back, "sure, I'll be waiting outside :)".

When Dean arrived, Cas started grinning uncontrollably. He walked as fast as he could without running to Dean's car and when he got inside, Dean's radio was blasting Deep Purple. Dean shouted loud enough to be heard over the stereo, "Well you look nice. Let's go get us something to eat, shall we?"

The drive to the restaurant was filled with conversation, laughter, and hand-holding. When they arrived, the place wasn't very loud, but it was pretty packed. There wasn't a wait so they were seated at a table for two with a rose in a vase at the center of the table. "How romantic," Dean said, a bit sarcastically.

Cas giggled. Dean couldn't help but feel happy when Cas laughed. He felt like everything was okay when they were together. When Dean looked at Cas, he felt his heart flutter and his stomach drop. He felt something new and exciting and different.

He liked it. He liked being the reason Cas was so happy, too. It gave Dean purpose. He felt like he belonged.

His thoughts were interrupted by the waitress who asked them what they'd have to drink. Soon after, they ordered. Then they talked. "So, how's life been at the homestead?" Dean asked. "I mean, it's the usual. Gabe still thinks us being together isn't good. Dad still doesn't know. It's pretty much the same as always. What about you? How's Sammy doing?"

The corner of Dean's mouth twitched up in a crooked smile. "Sam's actually great. He's got this new girlfriend, Jessica Moore. She's a sweetheart. Maybe one day you can come over and we'll have a double date. She'd love you."

Cas smiled. "Sure. I'd love to meet her." The waitress came around with their food. They ate and when they finished, they talked for about another hour.


	11. First kiss

Cas and Dean split the check, seeing as though Gabe gave Cas a little money every week and Dean had a part time job. They left the restaurant, favoring the crisp, cool nighttime air. It was around 9 o'clock. The couple buried their hands in their pockets and walked down the bare street. "Thanks," Cas said. Dean raised an eyebrow. "For what?" he asked. "Well, for taking me to dinner." Dean smiled. "Cas, I would take you anywhere if it meant spending just a couple hours with you."

Redness creeped up to Castiel's cheeks and he grinned uncontrollably. "Dean, you sap." They laughed. "It's true," Dean said sheepishly. He reached for Cas's hand.

"I would go anywhere, do anything, all for you. And I don't care if it's cute and sugary, because you're cute and... sugary." They laughed again. "And you make me laugh and smile and I love you Castiel Novak. To the moon." Cas bit his lip and resisted the urge to press them onto Dean's. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas's waist and pulled him into a hug. "I love you too, Dean Winchester," Cas whispered into his ear.

He couldn't resist the urge any longer and he pulled away slightly in order to look directly at Dean's eyes. They stood near a streetlamp and Dean looked perfect in the subtle light. Dean moved toward Cas first and landed his lips on Castiel's. Cas's hands moved to Dean's face and Dean's moved to the small of Cas's back as they deepened the kiss.

Dean could feel Cas smiling against his mouth and then Dean was smiling and then they were laughing all over again. "We are quite a mess," Cas said. Dean smiled. "Yes, we are." His award-winning smile morphed into a smirk. "You wanna try again, then?" Cas replied by kissing Dean again, this time a lot less rushed and even more perfect. Cas's heart nearly beat out of his chest and Dean's mind raced with a million imperceptible thoughts.

They broke away from each other and began walking again, hand in hand.

Cas couldn't believe how fast and hard he'd fallen for Dean. In early August, Cas didn't want to keep living and now in September, barely a month later, Cas had something, someone, worth fighting for. And he couldn't believe how quickly all this had happened. It was like a scene out of a movie; it was the plot of a great and famous novel. It was amazing.

They walked to a park only a few blocks away from where they shared their first kiss. Cas couldn't stop thinking about it. The way his lips felt, the way his heart melted when they touched. It was so perfect. He could feel Dean's touch and his skin buzzed.

Dean found a park bench and sat on it and Cas followed suit. They didn't talk, but rather sat in comfortable silence for a while. Cas looked up at the sky and watched a plane fly overhead, just a few blinking lights in the dark of night. He spoke first. "Hey, why don't you come over to my house?" Dean looked confused. "But your dad..." he began, but Cas shook his head. "He's probably drunk and asleep and if he's not, we can sneak in through my window. It's just that you've never been to my house, and, I don't know, I just think that it might be fun for you to come over."

After he said it, Cas started to panic. His room was a huge mess. And even if his dad was passed out, Gabe was perfectly sober and probably still awake. But the look of glee on Dean's face was worth it. "Well, then let's go." He stood up and extended his hand to Cas's. He took it and stood up and they walked hand-in-hand to the impala.


	12. No. 1 Party Anthem

They parked a few blocks away from Cas's house so that no one would get wise to Dean's presence. Then the pair formulated a plan as they walked toward Castiel's house.

Dean shrugged. "I mean, it's probably not the best plan..."

"But?" Cas replied.

Dean shrugged again, "But nothin'. It's a crappy plan." Cas lightly punched Dean's arm and then reached for his hand. "Ready?" he asked, as they had arrived at the back door of his house. "Yep," Dean said, kissing Cas's cheek.

***

When Cas arrived in his house, his heart was pounding. His dad was asleep on the couch with the television on. He could hear Gabriel upstairs in his room, probably doing stuff for his job. He went into his room. "Gabe, I'm back."

Gabriel looked extremely pissed off. "And where were you?" Cas rolled his eyes. "I was just 'out', okay? Do I have to have a reason to go do something?" Now Gabe rolled his eyes.

"Cas, I saw you get into Dean's car. I'm not stupid. I saw how giddy you were and you're all dressed up." Cas cursed under his breath. How was he supposed to get Dean into the house now? "Yes, I was with Dean, but he left. I'm sorry. I should have told you."

Gabe sighed. It was obvious that he wished that they could be together, but he was smarter than that. His father's anger was not worth the risk. When Cas came out at age 14, his dad was furious, saying he "wouldn't allow faggots under his roof." He wouldn't stop hitting Cas, as if he could beat Cas straight. He broke his clavicle and drew blood. And soon after, he passed out, stone-cold drunk. Gabe wouldn't risk him hurting his little brother again. And he felt horrible for trying to keep them apart. "Cas," Gabriel started, but Cas was already gone. He whispered to no one in particular, "I'm sorry."

Cas was in his room and had turned on his music, loud enough to blur the sound of a window being opened and a boy crawling through it, but quiet enough not to draw attention. He had locked the door and made extra sure no one could get in.

Dean was in charge of figuring out how to get on the roof. He miraculously did and then sat next to the window looking out at the stars above the forest. Cas had told him about how he liked to watch the sunset from that very spot when he could. Dean closed his eyes and imagined he was with Cas watching the sunset.

He was abruptly pulled out of his daydream when he heard a tap on the glass next to his head. He had a mini panic attack before realizing that it was just Cas inviting him in. He crawled into Castiel's room and he realized that this was the only time he'd been inside Cas's house. He had never made it past the street. He looked around at the various grunge and alternative band posters hanging on his wall. He noticed that on the desk by the door, there were some drawings and a framed picture of a family of five. He could tell it was Cas's family, back when it was complete. He tried to focus on something else.

Cas saw Dean observing his bedroom and started to feel the prickly sense of panic across his skin. Suddenly, Cas's attention was on the unkempt pile of dirty clothes and the overflowing trashcan in the corner. His face felt hot. "I'm sorry it's such a mess, I didn't think we'd end up here..." Cas said. Dean shushed him with a kiss.

"I don't mind." They went on kissing for a little while, the punky music continuing to flow out of the boom box on Cas's desk. Cas's tie kept choking him so he stopped kissing Dean to tell him he was going to change. He walked over to his closet and stripped off his shirt and tie. Dean sat down on Cas's bed and took off his own tie. Cas put on a gray ACDC shirt and then pulled off his pants. He was distantly aware that Dean was checking him out, so he took his time choosing which pair of jeans to put on. When he finally picked a pair, he walked to the bed and sat down next to Dean. The song on his CD he'd burned over the summer changed to "No. 1 Party Anthem" by Arctic Monkeys. It flowed out of the speakers, slow and sweet, "so you're on the prowl wondering whether she left already or not...".

Dean had listened to this song with Cas before and he knew a few of the words. He stood and extended his hand to Cas who took it. They wrapped their arms around each other and started to slow dance. The only sound was the song pouring out of the speakers and the couple's whispered nothings.

Dean sang sweetly, "she's having a sly indoor smoke." Cas picked it up, "she calls the folks who run this her oldest friends. Sipping her drink and laughing at imaginary jokes." Dean didn't know the next few lines but he could feel Cas's breath, hot and sticky, against his neck as he sang the words he'd committed to memory into Dean's ear. "Come on, come on, come on, number one party anthem," they spun in circles, their heads resting on each other's shoulders. Dean began singing again, the words having resurfaced in his memory. "Drunken monologues, confused because it's not like I'm falling in love. I just want you to do me no good and you look like you could." Cas, with his arms wrapped around Dean's neck, fingers entangled in his hair, smiled into Dean's neck. "The look of love, the rush of blood, the 'she's with me', the Gallic shrug," he sang. Dean started again, "the shutterbugs, the camera plus, the black and white and the color dodge, the good time girls, the cubicles, the house of fun, the number one party anthem."

Cas lifted his head off Dean's shoulder and kissed his way from his neck to his chin to his lips. The song has changed, but they were too distracted to decipher what the song was. Dean sat down on the bed and pulled Cas down to him. Cas sat down on Dean's lap and wrapped his legs around to his back. He held Dean's face while he kissed him and Dean placed his hands on Cas's back. Their breathing became ragged and heavy and hitched but they didn't stop. Dean was sweating and figured that was a pretty good excuse to take off his shirt. Once his chest was bare, he laid back so that Cas was on top of him and they made out for a little longer before Cas finally broke away again.

"That was fun," Cas whispered through his swollen lips. He looked down at Dean, who was buzzing. He wanted more, he wanted all of Cas. He closed the space between their lips and kissed him again, his mouth open and eyes closed. It ended sooner than they desired, but even though Cas craved Dean more than anything, he knew that they couldn't risk being caught. Cas climbed off of Dean and laid down next to him, his head resting on Dean's bare chest. He draped and arm over his stomach and Dean wrapped both his arms around Cas. "I love you, Dean." " I love you too, Cas."


	13. The human heart is such a fragile thing

During the night, Cas and Dean had turned in their sleep to face each other so that Dean's arms were wrapped around Cas's shoulders and Cas's arms were tucked between Dean's bare chest and Cas's t-shirt covered one. So Dean woke up early to the sleepy face of the blue-eyed boy he loved. 

Cas was still asleep, but Dean didn't want to wake him- it was so early in the morning. Instead he studied every inch of Castiel's body. He saw the way his eyelids sealed together, the way his chest rose and fell with every breath, the way the edge of his mouth twitched every so often. He liked to watch Cas sleep, especially since the only time he'd seen him was at school and at the beach when they came out to each other. 

Dean peppered Cas's face with small brushes of kisses. He ran his soft lips along his chin, nose, brow, neck-

Cas must have been ticklish there because he scrunched up his face and woke up. "Hello, Dean." He smiled. Cas always greeted him with a "hello, Dean". "Good morning, sleepyhead." They didn't move from their position for a while and they laid, barely awake, on Cas's bed. The pair didn't want to move, the moment was so perfect. Waking up to the person you loved was such a pure thing, they didn't want it to end. For a little while, Cas forgot about his father, he forgot about Gabe. They forgot about the world. 

Then there was the exhaustion from staying up so late last night which prevented them from moving also- suddenly last night's events came rushing back into Cas's head so quickly he felt lightheaded. 

And he couldn't have smiled wider. 

Dean saw him smiling so big and he couldn't help it- he kissed Cas's cheek to which Cas replied with a kiss on the lips. 

Dean loved making out with Cas and he would never get enough of it. Cas loved doing anything with Dean. It didn't matter what- he just liked for them to be together. Cas especially liked little things that were peaceful and pure and quiet- the opposite of his everyday life. He liked this because he could fall back on the memory like a safety net. When his dad would beat him mercilessly and his classmates would call him names like 'fag' and the ache in his chest for a loving mother would burn, Cas knew he could remember these moments with Dean and it would hurt a little bit less. 

Cas had depressed himself thinking about all the things that sucked in his life, so he stopped kissing Dean and suggested that they take a walk instead. "Sounds like a plan," Dean said and he snuck in one last kiss on Cas's neck before he rolled out of bed. 

Cas threw on a clean plain black shirt but kept the same pants on. He gave Dean a shirt that was a bit too big on Cas to wear so he wouldn't feel weird in his dress clothes. It looked kind of goofy with his dress pants, but at least he wasn't wearing a tie. 

"I guess I'm escaping out the window then," Dean said with a wink. Cas breathed out a laugh and waited for Dean to crawl out the window completely before he walked downstairs. His father and Gabe were still asleep, so he left without a hassle. 

Dean was in the backyard kicking some dirt around with the toe of his shoe. Cas walked up to him and took his hand. They walked toward the impala. "So, am I as good a kisser as you thought I was?" Dean said, ever the jokester. Castiel rolled his eyes in mock annoyance and elbowed Dean's side playfully before breaking into a smile. 

"I'll take that as a yes," Dean said. When they reached the car, Cas positioned himself in front of Dean and kissed him tenderly on the lips, finally answering his question, even without words. They deepened the kiss and leaned against the impala's hood, hands on each others' hips. 

Dean saw him first. He had cracked his eyes to get a glimpse of Cas, smiling against his lips, when he saw him, standing there, his face twisted and evil. Dean stopped kissing when it finally registered what had just happened. 

Crowley had seen them making out by his car, pressed up against the metal frame, their bodies probably rocking it slightly. Crowley saw them making out. Cas stopped kissing an instant after Dean did and was about to ask what was wrong when Dean shoved him out of the way. "Dean? Dean! What the-" and then Cas saw Crowley and then he saw Dean rear his fist back and punch Crowley in the nose. "DEAN!" Cas shouted as he ran up to him. "What the hell was that?!" Crowley's blood was dripping onto the pavement and the look on his face indicated he was in shock and in pain. Mostly pain. Dean ignored Cas. 

"Crowley, I swear to God I will kill you if you go spreading anything around. I swear it. If you go telling lies to everyone that 'Dean Winchester is screwing Castiel Novak' I swear on my mother's grave I will kill you. Do you understand me?" 

Crowley only smirked. "I ought to kill you right now for punching me in the bloody nose!" He started walking the other direction holding his hand under his nose, trying to keep the blood off of his shirt. 

When Crowley was out of sight, Dean broke down, and Cas embraced him. "Cas," he said, tears rolling down his face. "Shh. Let's get you home," he said quietly. He opened the door and ushered Dean inside, closing the door behind him. He mouthed the words 'I love you' to Dean who rolled down the window and kissed Cas, just a brush of the lips, and then he was gone. 

Once he was alone, Cas crumpled to the ground and screamed. He was angry and miserable and so he screamed until he lost his voice. Tears streamed down his face as he sobbed into his hands, the birds chirping overhead way too cheerily, their happiness mocking Castiel's tears. Crowley would tell the whole school about them. And he wouldn't tell the truth, either. He'd say something along the lines of "Dean and Cas were screwing in a field when I caught them as I walked dogs for old ladies out of the goodness of my heart". Of all the people Cas hated, Crowley was hated the most. 

He was angry at Dean, too. Because instead of owning up to their relationship and being open about it, he ran away and acted like it was some big secret. As if no one could know that Dean Winchester was gay. It infuriated Cas and he didn't know why. Wasn't he upset everyone at school would know, too? Confused and heartbroken, Cas walked back to his house where his dad and Gabe, thankfully, were still asleep. He snuck into his room and didn't come out for hours.


	14. Our Beach

Friday, September 26

Crowley hadn't really changed much between Dean and Cas. They were a bit more careful about how they acted in school; no sneaking kisses when the hallways were "empty", no holding hands before they got in the car, no pet names whispered during lunch. Dean was just too nervous to act that way at school anymore. He feared that Crowley would tear everything apart. 

But neither of them let Crowley ruin their lives out of school. 

On the way home from school that afternoon, Dean parked about a block away from Castiel's house. He nearly threw himself at Cas, pressing their lips together and dragging his hands up and down Cas's torso under his shirt. "I'm gonna miss... you this... weekend," he said between kisses. Cas ran his hands through his hair and agreed. 

"I need to go, Dean. I love you," he said. "I love you, too," Dean said. And it was true- you could see it in his eyes. Dean Winchester was undeniably in love with Castiel Novak. 

***

Saturday, September 27

Cas woke up to his cell phone ringing. Disoriented, he sat up and grabbed his phone after a few seconds of searching for it. It was Dean. "Hey Dean," Cas said, the smile in his voice detectable. "Hey Cas. You busy today?" Cas let out a small chuckle. "You know I'm not. Why? What's up?" 

"Well," Dean began, "I was thinking that maybe we'd go back to the beach? Maybe spend the night there again." Cas's stomach twisted itself into knots. "Yeah. Okay. I just gotta get showered and dressed or whatever." Dean was the one chuckling now. "Alright. I'll be over in an hour." 

Cas got up out of bed and walked to the shower. He passed a clock which read 1:30 pm. Cas overslept. Again. As he started up the shower, he daydreamed about how that night would go. 

When he finished showering, he went back into his room and put on skinny jeans and a gray Pink Floyd t-shirt. 

He walked into Gabe's room. "Hey kiddo. What's up?" Gabe said. "Um, I'm hanging out with Dean today. I didn't want you to be worried this time." Gabe rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand. 

"Cas, you know how I feel about you two. I mean, I'm happy for you both, but I don't want you to get hurt because of Dad." Cas crossed his arms, "I know your concerns and I don't really care. I'm going anyway." He heard Gabriel sigh, but kept heading towards the stairs. 

When Cas got downstairs, he saw his dad asleep on the couch. He grabbed his jacket and put it on, then slipped on his Vans. He grabbed another jacket in case it got colder that night. He walked outside, expecting to have to wait another 15 minutes, but there was Dean, sitting in his Impala. Cas smiled and waved and walked over to Dean's car. "Hey," Cas said. "Hey. You ready?" Cas nodded and laced his fingers with Dean's. "Ready as I'll ever be." 

***

When they arrived at the beach, Cas and Dean hopped out of the car and went to the trunk. Dean grabbed a 12 pack and Cas grabbed a couple blankets and a picnic basket. They smiled at each other and walked up the rock face, down to the place where they first really connected. 

Dean put the beer by the bottom of the rock pile and started a fire. Cas laid out a blanket and put the picnic basket in the middle of it. They sat down and shared a sandwich and some chips. "This is nostalgic," Dean said around a mouthful of ham and bread. Cas laughed. "Sure is." 

Dean finished off his sandwich and grabbed a beer. Soon after, Cas did the same. They walked down to the water's edge. A few hermit crabs scuttled across the sand and into the water. Dean grabbed a couple rocks and tossed them into the water. 

Cas's mind wandered. He began to think about what happened earlier that day, about his dad and Gabe. It must have shown on his face because Dean grabbed his hand. "What's wrong, Cas?" He turned and walked back to the blanket. "I'm good. I'm just thinking." Dean frowned and followed him. "Well, do you want to talk about it? You know I'm here for you if you ever need anything." Cas smiled and held Dean's hand. "I'm just thinking about what my dad would do if he found out about us. Gabe doesn't think this is worth the risk." 

Dean sighed and hugged Cas, enveloping him in the scent of cheap cologne and the strength of his arms. "Screw him, Cas. Seriously, why do you even care what they think? You've never cared about what they think before. What they think about the clothes, the music, how you act in school, it's never mattered. So why now?" Cas squeezed his eyes shut to keep from crying. 

"It matters because it's you, Dean." Shutting his eyes didn't help- the tears spilled down his cheeks anyway. "It matters because it's you. And they're both threatening to take you away from me. I don't know, Dean, it's just... you're the only person I've ever connected to. You're the only person I've ever loved," Cas kept crying. "I love you Dean." 

Dean cupped Cas's cheek in his hand. "Cas. I love you too." Dean pulled Cas's face closer to his own and rubbed his cheek with his thumb. It was rough against Castiel's tender cheek. Dean kissed Cas, soft and sweet.

Cas pulled away first. "I can't do this now." Dean was hurt and his expression showed it. "Why? What's wrong?" he asked. Cas kept crying and Dean continued to try to calm him. "Cas, tell me what's wrong, what's really wrong." 

Castiel's voice and mind were shaky. "I don't want to hurt you. You'd hate me if you knew what went on in my head. Everyone would. Everyone does. Except you. And I can't let myself hurt you. You're the only one I have, Dean. I can't lose you." Tears now cascaded from Dean's eyes. 

"Cas, there is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you." 

Cas began to shake. He felt nauseous and put his head between his knees to keep from throwing up. "I can't hurt you. I would rather lose you than hurt you. And I will hurt you. I can't be close to anyone. Everyone I've ever loved has been hurt. My mom, my brothers... I can't do that to you, Dean." 

Dean grabbed Cas's hands in his own and willed Cas to look into his eyes. "Cas, none of that is your fault. And why do you talk about yourself like you're so insignificant? Like I don't need you to keep going? You are my everything. Cas, I-"

Cas stood up and started yelling at Dean, "I talk about myself like I'm insignificant because I am!" He pulled the sleeve of his jacket up, revealing dozens of self-harm scars all over his lower arm. Dean had never really noticed- Cas always wore a jacket, and the time he spent the night, it was too dark to see. "I'm a nobody, Dean. You-you are a bolt of lightning and I'm just a speck of dirt. You are the sun and the moon and the stars, but I'm nobody." Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and held him. "I'm sorry Cas. I'm so sorry." They sunk to the ground; Cas kept crying and Dean tried to comfort him. He couldn't think of anything else to do- he was barely thinking at all, his mind was so clouded with everything Cas was in that moment- so he just started singing. 

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart. Then you can start to make it better." Cas's sobs slowed a bit and he returned Dean's hug. Dean continued to sing. 

Cas cried himself to sleep in Dean's arms. Once he was asleep, Dean laid down next to him and wrapped them up in the extra blanket. He was so afraid of what would happen next for them, that he worried himself to sleep.


	15. Goodbye, Dean

Sunday, September 28 

Dean woke up freezing. At first, he worried that he was so cold because Cas had left him in the night after his meltdown, but Cas was still there, lying about three feet away, barely covered, and not quite close enough to feel his body heat radiating off of him. It pained Dean to see him so distant, literally as well as figuratively. 

The sun was already up, but Cas was not. Dean got up to re-wrap Cas in the blankets and clean up the remains of their picnic. He started another fire and watched the waves beat the shore until Cas woke up. "Hey," Cas said. Dean couldn't help but smile at his bed-head which reminded him of the picture of three-year-old Castiel that was in his bedroom. 

"Hey," he answered back. 

Cas picked up a bottle of water. "It's 5 o'clock somewhere," he joked. Dean chuckled. Cas was right- alcohol was a bad idea this early in the morning. He was glad to see that Cas was himself again. He had really scared him the night before. 

"Hey, so about last night," Cas started, "I'm really sorry-" 

Dean cut him off. "There's no reason to be sorry. None of that is really your fault." Dean tried to say it kindly and invitingly, but it came across as cold and judging. His face reddened- he hoped Cas didn't take it the wrong way. 

Cas continued as if he hadn't spoken, "Sometimes I have these depressive somewhat-psychotic episodes and last night was not a good night. Anyway, that got me thinking about us." Dean's heart sank. Us? He stayed silent. "I don't think that this is going to work out like you want." He spoke slowly, quietly, trying not to sound like he was about to break down again- trying to be strong. "I can't give you what you want because I can't even give myself what I want. Yes, I love you more than anything, but you can't clean up my messes. I can't hurt you while I'm trying to stop hurting myself. Does that make any sense?" Dean was stunned. All he could do was nod and look blankly at the sand. 

He felt his whole world coming down as the immense weight of Castiel's words crashed onto him. Cas was breaking up with him. But- why? Wasn't Dean enough? Wasn't he there to help Cas no matter what? Dean couldn't speak. So Cas spoke for him. 

"Look, Dean, I'm sorry. I really am. But I don't want to hurt you. Every time I get close to someone, they get hurt. So, I promised myself that I would stay distant from everyone. I promised myself that I would never care about anyone or anything again. I promised. I broke every single rule I've ever made. And I did it for you, Dean. But with this new promise to love you comes pain, and Dean, I can't stand to see you hurt. And the easiest way to make sure that I never have to is to not see you at all. I'm sorry." He was crying now. God, he was am emotional wreck the past 24 hours. Dean just stared, looking at the sand as if it had the answers. 

He wanted to scream. He wanted to beg Cas not to do this. He wanted to punch something hard enough to break his hand. He wanted Cas to hold him. Instead he sat and stared at the sand. Cas got up and moved closer to Dean and wrapped his arms around his broad shoulders. Finally, something Dean actually wanted. "Let's go home," Cas said. 

Dean wanted to scream even more when he heard that word. Home. He didn't think of a home the way others did. Most people have a home that has windows and basements and bedrooms but Dean, he had a home in Cas's arms. When they weren't together, he had a home in Cas's mind. Cas was Dean's safe place, his home. Cas was Dean's everything. 

And Dean didn't have a home to go to anymore. 

"Let's go," he said. 

***

The ride home was agonizing. Dean wanted to talk, to try to change Cas's mind, but every time he tried, Cas seemed to get more and more distant. 

Soon he just stopped trying. 

When Dean dropped Cas back off, there was no kiss goodbye, there were no sweet whispered I love you's, there was no excitement for the next time they would see each other. There was only tension and sadness. 

Dean willed Cas to say something, to do something. He wanted to kiss Cas meaningfully and passionately, he wanted to tell him how unbearable life would be without him. But what's the point of speaking if the person you're talking to doesn't want to listen? Instead of trying to change Cas's mind, he drove home, the tears in his eyes blurring his vision, and when he arrived, he went straight to sleep.


	16. Dean's POV

Friday, November 12 

It has been exactly one month and fourteen days since Cas broke up with me. Saying I'm still broken up about it would be an understatement. Saying I have no reason to live would just about be hitting the nail on the head. 

I only enjoy weekends for the simple fact that on the weekends I don't have to go to government and sit next to his amazing mind and see his blue eyes and smell his cologne. I have to resist the urge to hold his hands and beg for him back on a daily basis. 

The worst part was how slowly, agonizingly we drifted apart. First, he stopped sitting in the chair next to me during lunch. He sits on the other side of the table now. Soon after, he started walking home by himself. I told him I would still drive him, that I wanted to drive him, but he said he didn't want to burden me. Classic Cas. Always convenient for others first. But the worst part is talking to him. Whenever we talk now, it's about school. "What's for homework?" "When is that pre calc project due?" I haven't heard him say "hello, Dean" in weeks. 

One month and fourteen days and it still hurts when there's none of his texts on my phone in the morning. It still crushes me to watch him from afar rather than listen to his breathing up close. It hurts. Everything hurts. 

And then everything changes. 

I am sleeping on the futon when my phone rings. Castiel. I don't think I've ever answered the phone so quickly. "Cas-" is all I manage and then I'm interrupted by shaky breaths and yelling. 

"Dean, there's something wrong with my dad," is all he manages to get out before he chokes on a sob. It's confusing to me at first because I thought he hated that man. But I then get it, I understand why he's crying, because even though I hate my dad, and I hate what he did to me and Sammy, it hurt to leave him too. "Ill be there in a minute." 

*** 

I speed down the highway, through red lights and stop signs, under street lamps in the dark of the night. All I can think about is "something wrong with my dad". Sammy is in the passenger seat next to me, his face like stone, ready to face whatever is ahead. 

I, however, wipe my face every few seconds. Tears stream down my face and they will not stop, making this road trip more dangerous than with just the red-light-running. 

My mind is racing. The yelling in the background sounded like Gabe, though I can't be sure it wasn't the paramedics. 

Then, because I'm hopelessly in love with a boy who doesn't love me back anymore, I start to wonder if I'm the first person he called. Did he care enough to come to me first? Did he call me out of a habit he hadn't broken yet? 

I think about everything I can possibly think about and then I'm at Cas's house.


	17. Cas's POV

Waiting for Dean is agonizing, and not for the reason one might think. It's not the time between talking on the phone and seeing him in person, no. It's not waiting for him to get here while my dad is barely breathing and my brother is trying to give him CPR. 

It's the anticipation of seeing him again that frightens me. I am scared out of my mind. I haven't even spoken to him in more than a few mere sentences since we broke up. And now we're being thrown at each other due to circumstance. Well, not really thrown at each other- I did call and ask him to come help. 

My mind is racing and it doesn't ever seem to get to the checkered flag. 

Adrenaline pumps through my veins making me heave in and out, a rather poor excuse for breathing. Tears stain my cheeks and blur my vision, so I am startled when my sobbing is interrupted by an embrace and then a familiar voice saying "it's okay, Cas, baby, it's okay". 

Dean. 

Suddenly none of it matters anyway. I wrap my arms around his neck and sob, harder than I ever though possible. I know that Gabe and Sam are working to save my father from death, (though the massive heart attack he just had should have killed him already,) and I have no medical experience, so I sob into Dean's shoulder instead of help. I feel useless, worthless, insignificant. Then I hear the sirens, then I'm in an ambulance, then we're at the hospital, and I don't remember any of it. 

"Where's Dean?" I ask Gabe. I haven't acknowledged him since right before I called Dean. 

"He went home. Said he'd come by tomorrow to see how things are going." Instead of answering, I nod and walk away. 

I've always wished my father would die. I've even thought about how he should die, perhaps by a car accident or maybe getting shot. I was rooting for electric chair. 

But now that it's happening, I feel empty. On one hand, it's almost like there's a weight lifting from my shoulders. Dean and I could actually be together openly, if we were still together now. But we're not. So it wouldn't matter. On the other hand, I have lost both of my parents. Michael left and now it's me and Gabe and we have nothing. 

Well, the question is, what now? I decide that the answer is to wait for Dean. 

***

Sometime in the middle of the night, I succumbed to exhaustion. Watching your dad writhing in pain on the floor of your home will take it all out of a person. I remember that Dean will be visiting today and I am suddenly embarrassingly excited to see him. Blushing, I get up off the bench I fell asleep on and go to check on my dad. 

I walk up to the front desk and ask to see him. They direct me to a room where I see Gabe, still asleep, in the chair next to the bed. 

The sight of him shocks me so much that I take several steps back. He is pale, paler than I have ever seen him. And he looks smaller, perhaps because he's sober and asleep and, dare I say, peaceful. The heart monitor beeps every few seconds and probably not on his heart's own accord. He is hooked up to so many machines that he looks like something out of a sci-fi movie. 

It is so strange to see him this way that it finally hits me- he probably won't survive this. Gabe and I will be alone. I'm too shocked to cry. 

Then I hear shouting. I walk down the hall, curiosity getting the better of me, when I realize it's Dean. I only hear bits and pieces of what he's saying. "...dad is in there, probably... you! He's alone and I'm his... please just let me see him." I turn a corner and I can see Dean, face red from anger, and Sam, holding his arm back to keep him from punching someone. 

Nothing feels real anymore, not with my dad basically dead and my Dean in a hospital, of all places, so I just sort of breathe out and his name falls out of my mouth instead. When our eyes meet, it's like I found what I've been missing. How could I have ever thought leaving him would help? I feel my crumbling world stop crumbling, if only for this moment. 

Dean snatches his arm from Sam's grip and runs to me, embracing me in his arms, my world. I hear Dean whisper something and I can't quite hear him so I ask him what he said. He pulls back enough to look into my eyes and says, "I'm home. I love you." 

I pull him the short distance between us and meet his lips with mine and I feel like I've found everything I'll ever need. Finally, finally, I realize that even though my world seems to be falling apart, it is actually falling together. 

"I love you too. To the moon."


	18. Epilogue: Cas's POV

Saturday, November 21

Funerals are weird. There is never enough time between death and funeral to actually accept what has happened, but funerals are such an awkward place to break down in tears. There's so many people you don't know who insist on telling you how wonderful your father was and how sorry they are for your loss. But no one actually knows how relieved you are and no one asks how you are.

I glance at my watch every few minutes, as if the time will go by faster by doing so. I know that it won't, but I am anxious, so I focus on the minutes passing instead of what looms ahead. 

In two short hours I will be putting my father into a grave. 

How strange that two weeks ago I feared for my life at his hands and now his life is gone. I try not to think about it. 

So I count the minutes. 

Then someone knocks on the church door, which I think is weird. Gabe answers it and Dean walks in. When I see him, I almost break down. Almost. Instead, I run to him and hug him, my face dry, like stone. Maybe we'll talk about how bad I'm broken later. 

"Hey," Dean says. I bury my face in his neck and shoulder and breathe him in, pretending we're somewhere, anywhere else. "I'm not going to tell you everything will be okay, but I can tell you I'll be there for it all." 

That's Dean for you. Selfless, loving. Always knows what to say. I never know how to answer but he never seems to care. It's unconditional love and I can't get enough of it.


End file.
